tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21786648977932945102012-02-02T19:30:00.387-05:00Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.comBlogger1061100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-53841467853581802702012-01-16T00:10:00.014-05:002012-01-16T23:37:31.433-05:00

My drinking game for 2012 goes like this: every time someone over on the Playthings forum mentions how much better things were Back in the Pleasant Company Days, Jiggy and I sing "for auld lang syne" and quaff a cup of kindness yet. Never you mind what's in a cup of kindness. Just remember that you'll not be getting any from me.Speaking of Jiggy, he's started the New Year off by shaking the blues

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-1254338814765197942011-12-19T15:06:00.004-05:002011-12-19T23:51:15.956-05:00

Yeah, that's right, another contender for the title of Girl of the Year is coming down the pike. Her books have been hitting shelves in advance of her release on January 1 and cover images are flooding the Internet like a leaky Depends. So, great, now my in-box is filled with people wanting commentary from me on this latest imposter. Look folks, I'm busy. All I have to say at this juncture is

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-24869946662868749522011-11-21T23:41:00.006-05:002011-11-22T10:20:17.204-05:00

Jiggy recently suggested that I add a new Sworn Enemy. I'm never loath to consider such suggestions, but who to add? There is a veritable plethora of options. I was going to pick Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on principle but the Secret Service has already bugged my muslin ass and I decided I didn't need them giving me any more trouble.That's right, the Secret Service has bugged my muslin ass. They wanted

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-48021717403133769602011-10-30T22:55:00.008-04:002011-10-30T23:14:30.489-04:00

The other day I was accused of being a terrible, awful, no good, very bad human being. I clicked my tongue against my two front teeth over the WTFery inherent in that statement. I wholeheartedly accept the descriptive homage, which I think was meant to be insulting. Duh, where have you been, over-wrought writer? I aspire to nothing less than terrible, awful, no good and very bad and exceed all

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-24192067148671682572011-09-19T17:28:00.007-04:002011-09-19T18:00:39.813-04:00

Arrr.Take a gander at this: "Talk Like a Pirate Day" Busted: Not Even Pirates Spoke PirateBecause the social anthropological party-poopers at National Geographic want ye lot to know that we're Doing It Wrong and that real pirates never talked like I be talkin' to ye right now. Yeah, whatever. Who piss'd in yer poxy cornflakes, National Geographic? Clearly the landlubbin' spoilsport prigs at

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-38543242833340452632011-09-15T13:59:00.008-04:002011-09-15T14:31:39.322-04:00

An Alert Reader informed me that my most recent blog entry (the one about my Moderating playlist) was my 100th post. Yeah, definitely a milestone, so thank you for mentioning it to me, Alert Reader. Although it's pathetic that you have nothing better to do than count the number of blog entries that I make, don't you think? FYL. And no, you people won't be invited to AJ's 100th Blog Post Party.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-36250406869763166502011-09-06T18:49:00.023-04:002011-09-11T11:12:44.363-04:00

Yeah, so, I haven't written in this thing since the Rapture happened back in May. That's because I have a real life and don't sit on my muslin ass all day in front of the computer. But you people? Yeah, let's just say that if you committed a crime with your ass (I don't want to contemplate what that might entail), the CSI Unit could ID you instantly by the butt cheek imprint on your desk chair.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-92024980477114768502011-05-20T22:30:00.013-04:002011-05-21T00:06:13.838-04:00

Yeah, and you thought it would be a cold day in Hell before I quoted Michael Stipe, didn't you? Granted, I've never forgiven him for mocking Dan Rather, but now's not the time to hold grudges (or at least not too many of them). Because lo, the Rapture is coming tomorrow!Now I don't want to hear any lamenting from you lot about the Rapture. I first warned you about this on December 22, when I

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-60766456932887951712011-03-30T16:42:00.022-04:002011-03-31T13:32:30.623-04:00

I'm still in Japan on my humanitarian mission. I see that some of you forgot to donate to the organizations listed in my last blog entry. I know this because I am omniscient and also, Lady Gaga has a lot of those prayer bracelets left over. Look people, cough up some money for Japan tsunami relief instead of buying plastic shit from AG. It won't hurt you to abstain from AG spending. I, on the

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-55484188853233591062011-03-17T00:04:00.013-04:002011-03-31T11:56:43.611-04:00

Top of the Irish to you. I don't even know what that means. But I'm half-Irish, you know, so I'm talking the talk and walking the walk in my ass-kicking green boots. That's right, green ass-kicking boots. Never let it be said that AJ isn't fashion forward and color coordinated. Also, I dyed my hair green for the day. All of my hair. No pics of that.Anyway, I'd like to take this solemn Irish

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-44826755999868207102011-02-11T11:52:00.009-05:002011-02-11T19:47:41.785-05:00

Because I know you people are easily confused, I want to assure you that this eBay listing is not for a prototype Bitty Baby. Nor is it an auction for a new line by AG called Simian Babies.The listing in fact reads "Your are bidding on 1 large prototype package of the 12" planet of the apes figure. This package is direct from the factory, and is in a heart printed box from the American Girl line

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-75526236712374424602011-02-02T14:41:00.012-05:002011-02-04T17:30:02.781-05:00

I have it on good authority that the end of days draws nigh. How do I know this? Well, Dr. Phil saw his shadow today, which means he is still a fat pig. Granted, that doesn't necessarily spell the end of days, but it's worth mentioning. Meanwhile in Punxsutawney, I am told that Phil the marmota monex did NOT see his shadow today, prompting Joe Wilson to rise up from whatever hole he lives in and

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-5777398216523429192011-01-05T13:58:00.007-05:002011-04-08T22:13:07.425-04:00

Yeah I'm a few days late. What of it? Seriously, what dumbass makes resolutions on New Year's Day? That day is meant for nursing hangovers. True fact: 99.99% of all resolutions fail because people are hung over when making them. It's not that they don't achieve their goals, it's that they can't remember WTF the goals were in the first place. (The other .01% of resolutions fail because people make

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-64111017447575597152010-12-30T22:12:00.004-05:002010-12-30T22:27:27.162-05:00

Seriously people, WTF do you want me to say? Look, she's beautiful, she's one small step on the path to total face mold domination, and she's got a collection that channels the adopted love child of Kailey and Barbie. But what I really want to know is this: when are we going to get to see her birth certificate? Because until we do, she's not officially an American Girl.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-37548974338111667352010-12-22T18:50:00.010-05:002011-03-17T00:51:31.315-04:00

Last week Mariah Carey announced she was having twins. I presume this means she'll count for two Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons, as she'll be that inflated. I haven't thought about Mimi in ages, actually. She's certainly not significant enough to make my List, nor is she one of my Sworn Enemies. But thinking about her reminds me of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I missed celebrating

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-63685366022688200632010-12-14T14:24:00.003-05:002010-12-14T14:35:50.271-05:00

Angry Toshi wants me to tell you lot that today is National Monkey Day, and asks that you celebrate by decapitating your Fios. He demonstrates proper technique:Be sure to wear your Santa hats whilst beheading, to keep things festive.AG, ever the home of random GOTY animals, be prepared to receive a large crate of Fio heads later this week. Hey, what, I hear tell that new lame-ass American Girl

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-91240606003832255022010-12-06T10:32:00.010-05:002010-12-06T23:09:12.479-05:00

People, you keep complaining about how it's been taking AG too long to fulfill your orders. Yeah, well, cry me a river because apparently you'd rather complain than get to the bottom of the delays. Leave it to AJ, you say. Yeah, well, here's what I found out: according to this website illustration, AG has outsourced its delivery contracts to Rat Post:That's right, rats are in charge of delivering

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-5296475099339231652010-12-01T20:30:00.024-05:002010-12-14T18:06:04.280-05:00

Yeah, I've been working on my holiday wish list. It's taken a while. I had to stop occasionally to do mundane little things like, oh, assist in tracking down that WikiLeaks guy, torture that one mod at the top of my List, mount a defense fund for Willy Nelson's latest weed bust, saute some cheap Cyber Monday llama, and hack into Proboards so the entire server system fails.What? You multi-task by

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-92060569274016762232010-11-18T22:38:00.006-05:002010-11-18T23:36:14.093-05:00

So it's that time of year when my Entourage and Toshi gather to challenge one another to consume bizarre food combinations in a time-honored ritual of male bonding and an attempt to curry my favor (although how that's supposed to work I'm still not sure). The only rule is that the items eaten have to be actual foodstuffs; no fair slipping in worms or KY Jelly or glass shards or sauteed Fio (and

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-1652130192852250252010-10-27T20:53:00.010-04:002010-10-28T12:11:28.053-04:00

Take a break from customizing your Celebrity Glass Eye Theater dolls -- because that is totally what you were doing, right? I have a bet with Jiggy that no one will take up my challenge. However, he has more faith in humanity than I do (ironic considering the depths of depravity he personifies). But me, yeah, I don't think anyone is brave or creative enough to take on my Halloween Costume

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-28685883507901386612010-10-22T22:01:00.004-04:002010-10-22T22:59:46.849-04:00

What? Yes, it took me a month to recover from Talk Like a Pirate Day 2010. Jealous much? Your life should be so interesting.So I was thinking about the AG eyeball black market the other day. You know how AG collectors are forever popping the eyes out of their damned dolls and selling the eyeballs on the black market? People have put their children and dogs through college doing this. Now me, I

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-86776840958408103822010-09-16T21:23:00.022-04:002010-09-17T10:15:41.042-04:00

My mailbox spilleth over from my legions of fans wondering where I've been. Listen, legions of fans, I'm not cleaning up your spills. If you'd read my blog at all this summer, you wouldn't need to pester me incessantly about my lack of blogging and posting. Clearly memories are short. To recap: Jiggy and I crossed the country in our tricked-out Lanie camper on a corporately sponsored Summer of

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-43618477067657279892010-07-27T17:00:00.008-04:002010-07-28T10:04:40.537-04:00

As Jiggy and I continue our corporately-sponsored Summer of Love tour across the continental USA in the tricked-out camper, eschewing campsite hook-ups for other means of hooking up, I've been amusing myself now and again with a little online hacking. Last week I poked around the American Girl Innerstar U site and stripped a few unsuspecting avatars buck-naked and righteously bald. Because,

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-36980834489650843902010-07-07T02:23:00.003-04:002010-07-07T02:43:30.880-04:00

Wondering where I've been? Yeah, well, at the moment I'm tapping into someone's unsecured Wi-Fi while road tripping in the tricked-out camper. Prior to that, I paid a quick visit to the AG hospital for some Magic Eraser treatment after scratching my vinyl. No, I'm not telling you how I scratched my vinyl. But I will tell you that things at the AG Hospital have changed. Whooo boy. They busted this

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-1339617052176286402010-06-03T00:44:00.023-04:002010-06-12T10:50:02.763-04:00

One person's trash is another person's treasure. One person's art is another person's pr0n.I am speaking, of course, about the perennial controversy surrounding bras for American Girl dolls. Yes, they are out there; go look ye on eBay because I can't be assed to post photos. (What? Dare you complain about the lack of photos? Yeah, do that and I'll be forced to post random photos of naked AGPT

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-54884453544983761632010-05-29T15:44:00.002-04:002010-05-29T21:27:19.734-04:00

So someone (read: one of those AGPT mods whom I refuse to publicly acknowledge) linked me to THIS, created by a self-described "grammatically conscientious person who frequents internet forums and YouTube." That right there is a rare breed. I bring this link to your attention because I think the Alot is a stroke of brilliance, maybe even two strokes, possibly three. And yeah, if I think it's

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-88431629272094670622010-05-18T21:06:00.007-04:002010-05-20T21:56:52.141-04:00

You've no doubt heard about the llama who showed up for the Bible reading? What, no? Here, read all about it: BORING RELIGIOUS LLAMA STORY HERE.Yeah, whatever, my llamas don't go in for that. They are, however, known for wandering down to the corner bar and pulling a couple tall cool ones on a Saturday night. And they're more likely to cuss you out (in llama) than they are to quote Scripture. But

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-3072993350386055032010-05-04T17:07:00.004-04:002010-05-18T23:29:40.432-04:00

I'm here today to talk to you about musicians. But first, let's talk about Jimmy Buffett. I had to start new paragraphs there, because putting "musician" and that man's name in the same one would upset the time-space continuum due to the enormity of the oxymoron it would generate.That loser Jimmy Buffett! I have it on good authority that he owns a time machine, because how else was he able to

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-88277585052362977742010-04-22T11:44:00.005-04:002010-12-07T08:48:18.994-05:00

So, yeah, volcanoes have been taking a lot of heat lately. That is ironically timely, considering that someone on the Internet whose graphic I stole said that May is Volcano Awareness Month. I know, it's not May yet, but it will be soon. Unless the world is destroyed by simultaneous cataclysmic volcanic eruptions on all continents, that is.I like volcanoes. I relate to and admire their collective

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-26201443935914328732010-04-18T17:59:00.010-04:002011-03-17T00:55:07.721-04:00

I'm still pissed about under-aged girls getting their training thongs in a bunch about me. So here's the deal: I'm instituting a new policy over at AG Playthings. Anyone I suspect of lying about her age must pass this test before becoming a member of the forum. Mostly this is so I can be assured that the little charmers have enough common sense that the mods won't spend all day undoing their spam

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-40138073212633037182010-03-03T19:10:00.018-05:002010-12-07T08:40:05.239-05:00

Ever Google yourself? Of course you have. It's just not a topic that comes up in polite company. Well, go on and admit to it, because this isn't polite company. Googling oneself for fun and profit yields interesting results. Personally, I have an Entourage that Googles me regularly. They found a lovely homage to me on YouTube, which unfortunately has since been removed by the user. It referred to

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-78776153645816543082010-03-02T10:49:00.007-05:002011-03-17T00:53:01.528-04:00

It's March. Quit asking where I've been. I've been busy, and that's all you need to know. I am going to discuss pig-related things, because yesterday was National Pig Day. If you don't like that, go suck on a hot dog. It was pointed out to me that I neglected a rant-worthy segue relating to whistle pigs, the topic of my last blog entry. (Yes, I just used passive voice. Deal with it. I refuse to

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-76019065182456059802010-02-08T20:42:00.010-05:002010-12-07T08:35:33.350-05:00

In the wake of Snowmageddon, I've been asked to go on a cross-country Weatherperson Eradication Tour. Tempting as it is to fuel up the camper and road trip it, I have to pass. Your wrath, delicious though it is to observe, is misplaced. You see, while I sympathize with those of you who only loaded up on a day's worth of toilet paper and milk when you should have bought enough for a week, it's not

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-28494324367779537052010-01-25T20:15:00.039-05:002010-01-26T00:40:10.199-05:00

What do I have in common with Princess Diana, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton? Yeah, certainly not brains; even collectively, they have none. Plus, I'm way more attractive than any of them. Also, as compared to Princess Diana, I myself am not dead. I also know enough not to get in a car with a drunk driver in Paris, although Vegas is another story. However, believe it or not, we do

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-71613530385379475532010-01-13T01:18:00.007-05:002010-01-15T00:02:52.885-05:00

Can we talk about how awesome my newest manservant is? Why yes, yes, we can. Because this is my blog and I say we can.That's Rick Castle. Due to his grammar-loving ways and all-around awesomeness, he's got the job. I think this preview pretty much sums up Castle's awesomeness: CLICK IT, CLICK IT GOOD. Go on. You know you want to.Yeah. Move over, Detective Beckett; Castle is mine manservant. He'll

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-41905122523590750762010-01-12T10:51:00.006-05:002010-01-12T11:23:51.923-05:00

Lamie's not the only one who is environmentally conscious and likes to do things in the name of Science. How to Properly Dispose of Your Christmas TreeYeah, that's what The Entourage did with our tree, too. Never let it be said that I don't recycle. I just do it with style.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-4359215133097336932009-12-31T21:39:00.020-05:002009-12-31T23:32:06.085-05:00

I'm here today to talk to you about Johnny Cash and how awesome he is. I just learned he lived on a llama farm in his later years. His favorite llama was named Andy. If it turns out that he ate llama burgers on a regular basis, he might just replace Warren Zevon as my favorite artist. Although it'd be a tough choice because Warren (who is also dead) has a lot of really good songs about murder and

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-71608641498259817422009-12-30T20:10:00.024-05:002010-09-17T10:09:11.651-04:00

So an advance American Girl catalogue arrived at the Playthings offices last week with Lanie Holland and her camperload of crap plastered all over it. I could have posted photos from it onto the forum, but suck it, I already did my community service bit by posting the announcement about that Julie: An American Girl Musical. So yeah, I took the catalogue into the back room, ripped the Lanie

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-83986421427840125362009-12-26T21:51:00.005-05:002009-12-26T21:59:44.196-05:00

Yeah, you, I'm looking at you. That's right, all of you, talking about gifting yourselves so you 'peak' in dollgasm, and then heading off to shave your Coconuts. Seriously, fixated much? Yeah, I know, you only wish your lives were as interesting as mine. (Here's a hint: shaving is quicker, but waxing is much more hygienic and longer-lasting. Your Coconuts will thank you for waxing them).

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-91209891131553140562009-12-16T13:50:00.010-05:002009-12-16T22:53:40.367-05:00

The Playthings mods had a group photo taken for their holiday card but they 'forgot' to tell me about it. So that's why I'm not in it, in case you were wondering. Oh excuse me...what's that you say, you can't log onto Playthings? Yeah, that's because revenge is a dish best served by tattooed vinyl goddesses. The mods shut down the forum for maintenance to undo the damage I did after they invoked

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-506998581879061912009-12-12T22:46:00.006-05:002009-12-13T01:24:46.503-05:00

Those towels? Yeah, they're for you people to clean the hell up after yourselves as a result of yesterday's wankfest on Playthings over alleged Lanie cover art. I'm not touching that hot mess.Seriously people, you're collectively delusional if you thought I would let any other GOTY have the kick-ass weaponry and accessories that AG was creating, as described in my recent blog entry. Oh hell noes!

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-54006047705937501992009-12-11T02:04:00.021-05:002010-12-07T01:00:09.332-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. While the rest of you were stuck in the 80's channeling your inner Gordon Gekko, I was doing something far more enjoyable and productive: celebrating Naked Wednesday. Actually, it segued into a week long event. Once we'd cleaned up the marshmallows, collapsed the trampolines, and paid hush money to the Shriners,

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-39141744180010089462009-11-09T21:11:00.019-05:002009-11-10T00:56:01.244-05:00

All you whiners who said that poor dear Samantha and Nellie and Kirsten would die of boredom in the cruel, cruel AG archives? Yeah, suck it. Because from what I can tell from the olde eBay photo gallery, your Sammy-kins is just beginning to get her groove on. Peek-a-boo!Losing inhibitions is a good thing. Samantha's damned proud of being an American Girl these days.Princess never looked better.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-45962633314367340012009-11-05T21:23:00.004-05:002009-11-11T08:25:55.841-05:00

OMG, all this chatter about the GOTY for 2010 and it's only the beginning of November! Clearly, you people need me to set you straight sorting fact from fiction. So here's the deal: yes, Lanie is in fact a girl of color. Magnificent, glorious color. Heart-stopping technicolor, even. Here's a preview:What, you were expecting her to be green? Enough with the "green" rumors, people. Even AG wouldn't

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-53025470836036488852009-11-04T23:11:00.005-05:002009-11-05T12:59:04.911-05:00

I am told that there was a great deal of confusion about my Halloween contest, in that you people couldn't grasp what exemplified Scary, Creepy, and Inappropriate. It's really quite simple:Keep this in mind for next year, will you? I don't want to have to explain it again. Those of you who got it, you have my compliments. (What, you were expecting prizes? Yeah, I don't think so. Bask in my

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-91308241338345371692009-10-26T00:20:00.017-04:002009-10-31T13:18:39.407-04:00

Yeah that's me, letting my hair down, pretending to be a poltergeist pumpkin or some damned dumb thing. I did it on a dare. I won the dare. Now I own my own yacht. Sometimes dressing like a pumpkin and using cheesy bad Photoshop effects can yield large returns. Try it sometime. Just don't tell me about it, because I don't care what you do.Except this: starting now, submit unto me your Scary,

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-35043337219496731352009-10-19T19:26:00.023-04:002009-11-11T08:26:13.605-05:00

People have asked me to comment about Christian Louboutin claiming that Barbie has fat ankles. That's worth about two seconds of my time, seeing as how Barbie doesn't actually HAVE ankles, fat or otherwise. She just has stumps at the end of her legs that folks anthropomorphically refer to as feet. So I can't really bring myself to care much about this. I mean, have you taken a look at American

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-18552566712319666752009-10-09T12:19:00.006-04:002009-10-09T15:47:52.003-04:00

Playthings posted its lame-ass Halloween Costume Contest categories this week. My contest is so much better. PM me on Playthings, or email me at agplaythings@yahoo.com to submit your entries for SCARY, CREEPY, and INAPPROPRIATE doll costume beginning the week of October 26th through 30th. Your costume can be scary, or creepy, or inappropriate...or you could go for the trifecta. I don't care. Just

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-3905406501504148652009-09-29T17:01:00.013-04:002011-03-17T00:53:29.430-04:00

Yeah, Dr. Fail McGraw. That's how we say it around here.Today, with little fanfare, Dr. Fail teamed up with American Girl to devote a show to teaching girls about important things they need to know. At first I thought this to be a most excellent development, because it's high time network television devoted an hour to the proper usage of the English language.But alas, 'twas not to be. Because you

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-21160082986283938842009-09-28T21:55:00.006-04:002009-09-30T00:12:30.764-04:00

On a day like this, when I've been shut up in the Playthings offices answering stupid question upon stupid question, it's nice to know that there are such talented assholes in the world. CLICK LINK Yeah, that was for you, all you people with your stupid questions. If that dude could catch your queries, he'd have my undying gratitude.Oh by the way, here are a few that the Playthings mods (

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-5648822920133046762009-09-24T10:03:00.001-04:002010-06-03T10:36:47.367-04:00

Once again, AG doll forum members followed the usual "OMG NEW DOLL SHIT" schedule:Day 1: Stay up all night in anticipation of new dolly shit. Fall asleep five minutes before site is updated. Day 2: "OMG COFFEE. OMG NEW SHIT! YAY! SQUEE!" Start 14 new doll shit threads until I do the official smackdown.Day 3: "I'm bored with this stuff. The new shit sucks. When are we getting new shit?"Well, guess

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-68623850746246699112009-09-19T23:16:00.003-04:002009-09-24T09:56:57.793-04:00

Arr, me hearties, it be Talk like a Pirate Day once again. Note that it also be Rosh Hashanah, so yeah, Shanah tovah to yon Jewish mates. Ye lot can feel free to sprinkle some derogatory Yiddish terms in with yer pirate-speak, savvy?Listen up, ye, I don't give a flying Dutchman if it is politically incorrect to glorify piracy. Cut me an effin' break and pluck that oar out of yer asses. This be

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-82530774876963060002009-09-18T17:41:00.011-04:002011-03-17T00:54:26.300-04:00

So while I was vacationing on Johnny Depp’s island this summer, I got to thinking about how much I hate Mariah Carey. I don’t have any specific reason to hate Mariah Carey, although certainly Glitter should be reason enough for anyone to despise her. Nonetheless, I declared her scary, creepy, and inappropriate back in January, and I stand by that. Because you know, her father is an aeronautical

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-83315504184431596512009-09-01T10:45:00.003-04:002009-09-01T10:47:18.497-04:00

That's right, a pole dancing doll.Damn it, American Girl. You lose again when it comes to developing kick-ass doll accessories.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-77578138412847382882009-08-08T11:52:00.005-04:002009-08-08T21:46:37.680-04:00

So, for you lazy-ass dolls who do nothing but sit around and tea party it up all day long? Yeah, the Our Generation/Battat people are looking out for your muslin asses. Check out what they include in their new Travel Luggage Accessories:That's right. Send those nice Our Generation people a thank you note, why don't you? Because they've got your best interests in mind, and damned if AG is

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-26146463573822441842009-07-29T21:45:00.007-04:002009-07-29T22:17:48.668-04:00

It almost makes me feel sorry for Lindsey. It's just not right to sell a girl's cooter right out from under her. I mean, I suppose it speaks to the success of my Campaign for Anatomical Correctness that she even has one to begin with. But damn, this is harsh. On the other hand, how the hell did someone manage to get hold of Lindsey's cooter to begin with? I'm telling you, this puts those New

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-26899492794133629912009-07-16T10:41:00.005-04:002009-07-16T11:05:59.094-04:00

As opposed to, say, a Happy American Boy Toy? Whatever. The Playthings people are all a'twitter about a rumored American Girl Happy Meal toy coming out next month. Yeah, little do they know. The toy is actually a 5 inch hard-plastic anatomically correct version of ME, complete with bandana, knitting needles, whip, and assorted pre-programmed phrases such as:"The dictionary is your friend. I'm not

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-32501579955902025532009-07-09T18:07:00.009-04:002009-07-13T01:40:45.615-04:00

This? It's for those of you who are filling my message box with rants about how I've been censoring your right to use the word 'cute.' And it's for those of you who've been egging me on with substitute suggestions. Consider it a tool to bring you all together by sharing it to remove your collective undies from your collective butts. Be nice and share and don't say I never gave you anything.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-56239633939965956102009-06-28T22:30:00.005-04:002009-06-28T23:11:39.189-04:00

Oh, but aren't you AGPT people addicted to your cute? My, my, my. Look, if I'd replaced the damned word with something equally banal, no one would have noticed and my efforts to expand vocabularic horizons would be pointless. I don't do pointless. So yeah, 'scrumptious' got your attention. Boo-frickin-hoo all you want, but my War on Cute will continue all this week. You'll be the better for it

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-865409776659082952009-06-27T14:53:00.015-04:002010-12-07T00:37:53.631-05:00

You! Quit with your "But AJ, when are you going to update your blog?" messages already! Haven't you ever heard of summer vacation? I'm hip-deep in coconut oil and margarita salt here. I'll update my blog when I damn well please.And while I'm at it, pester me not about the Vocabulary Challenge. Proboards is gorked and the search function doesn't work properly, so I have no way of searching to see

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-84617759142172910452009-05-08T14:20:00.012-04:002010-12-07T00:38:32.945-05:00

Fickle AG collectors always have a hard-on for the Next Big Doll Thing. Right now it's little miss Rebecca Rubin, circa 1914. Never mind that the doll has nothing more going for her than a nice hat and a New York City Born-and-Bred Superiority Complex. The collectors, they are anticipating her with a zeal that rivals that of the Second Coming of Christ. Which is delicious irony, considering she

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-57854948534438168002009-04-29T14:41:00.005-04:002009-04-29T17:31:17.706-04:00

Every family has a black sheep. Mine is Cousin Antonin. Honestly, he's such an embarrassment. Yesterday he penned the majority opinion for the Supreme Court's decision to uphold the FCC ban on "fleeting" expletives on broadcast television...which he referred to as the 's-word' and the 'f-word.'I called him, said "SHIT" and hung up. Then I called back around 2 AM and yelled "FUCK!" He knew it was

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-77387633970760059022009-04-28T20:43:00.006-04:002009-04-29T17:30:32.692-04:00

Damn you, Porky.Based on the purported genetic make-up of Swine Flu, I am picturing its origins thusly: 1. Mate a pig and a bird to one another2. Engage in deep kissing with the offspring3. Go to Mexico and spend the next six months licking doorknobs with sadistic abandonWhich is why inter-species love is never a good idea. Sure, the sex is mind-blowing. But there are always repercussions.Jiggy

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-41380449172700710272009-04-14T00:29:00.010-04:002009-04-14T22:01:17.976-04:00

So you've been wondering where I've been, yeah? As alert readers may recall, Dick Cheney appeared during the waning hours of my birthday Fear and Loathing Tour. He whisked me and the Entourage off to an undisclosed location. After plying us with caviar and champagne on mismatched pieces of White House china, he revealed a fervent desire to bring those Somali pirates who kidnapped an American ship

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-28678411100518847242009-04-01T01:57:00.031-04:002009-04-03T11:15:20.528-04:00

Fear and Loathing on my birthday.8:00 AM Right. Send Marines and set up roadblocks, plus hoard liquor on my birthday? No, I don't think so. You Playthings people may never see The Rock and Johnny Depp again if you keep it up.9:15 AMSomeone on Playthings has altered a photo of a not!Jess. Whatever. The cat eyes are a nice touch. They're all on my List. They're beside themselves with the

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-72890552468082830942009-03-28T02:09:00.010-04:002009-03-30T16:54:30.458-04:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, congrats to Playthings Mod SarahL(FKA SarahS) and all that stuff. Can we go back to drinking now? Or at least have some cake?No?The mods tell me I need to give the newlyweds some advice first, seeing as how I have the most successful love life of all of them put together, pathetic losers that they are. So, fine. Here are five pieces of wisdom for you to read and heed:1.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-30579044720085500822009-03-18T22:06:00.003-04:002009-03-18T22:09:32.129-04:00

Do you know what this is?Right, it's a guillotine scaled to fit 16 inch fashion dolls. Someone is selling it on eBay. Damn it. Why do the fashion dolls always get the cool accessories?

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-52565627541301079392009-03-17T19:17:00.015-04:002009-03-26T13:52:40.822-04:00

WTF is the matter with people? Mothers of preschoolers everywhere are losing bladder control over Tween Dora. Because OMG, she's too sexy! She's a bad influence!Look at Dora. Go on, look at her. You won't go blind.THAT is sexy? Mothers of preschoolers, you so need to get glasses. Dora's cute and she's got good hair but damn, Tween Dora is NOT sexy. Seriously, if that's your standard of oozing

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-73714592946423334962009-03-11T18:46:00.006-04:002009-03-30T16:53:42.237-04:00

OMG, you people. I did not forget the monthly word challenge. I simply chose to ignore it in favor of launching the Campaign for Anatomical Correctness. I have my priorities. I do applaud your enthusiasm in wishing to continue this exercise in vocabularic** expansion. Here are February's winners:Playthings members Kimpa and Chynatgr rocked the Challenge by correctly using all five words (

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-88736169073045759982009-03-10T01:19:00.007-04:002009-03-10T15:44:25.395-04:00

Warning: contains full frontal doll nudity.Yeah, so Barbie turned 50. Whoop-de-fricking-do. She gives new meaning to the term ‘plastic surgery.’ Because if it is possible to inflate it, enhance it, nip it, or tuck it? Yeah, she's done it all.The truth is, Barbie is one unhappy doll. It's glaringly obvious to even the most amateur of armchair psychologists (of which I am not one, thank you very

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-63744291251999908962009-03-04T23:46:00.010-05:002009-03-18T01:45:25.257-04:00

I’m sick of feeding info to the mods and posting things myself over on Playthings that are ignored. Two years in a row, I’ve shared impending retirement news. Tons of people read those threads; a month later they write “Oh noes, such-and-such is retiring!” I freaking TOLD you it would, you nimrods! And Rebecca? Yeah, I fed people the news back in December 2008 that lo and behold, after all these

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-13540045467144662032009-02-24T00:55:00.007-05:002009-03-18T01:41:48.289-04:00

Yeah, no blogging from me today. I'm busy. Need beads to accessorize.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-42189755189249543782009-02-10T16:04:00.008-05:002009-03-18T01:44:57.914-04:00

Someone on AGPT asked what I wanted to see in the next round of new AG releases this week. So yeah, here's my wishlist. Is AG going to listen to me? No. Why? Because they are morons.But still, a doll can dream.I want:* Pleather clothing. How am I supposed to kick butt in tulle?* Whips, made in my size. * A line of AJ-designed jewelry made of recycled barbed wire.* Lingerie for the discerning doll

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-50255309916435410732009-02-08T14:50:00.003-05:002009-03-18T01:46:58.996-04:00

Remember how I said I'd come to an understanding with both candidates for the Presidency?Yeah. I am Obama's new speechwriter. Thanks for asking.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-55370083065394482562009-02-01T13:05:00.012-05:002009-03-26T13:55:25.460-04:00

Super Bowl, feh, whatever. I think they should pit the two worst teams in the league against one another in an extravaganza called the Toilet Bowl. Mariah Carey could be the halftime entertainment. Seriously, don't talk to me about Mariah Carey. She needs to crawl out of the whistle register, put some damned clothes on and drop the diva act. Also, some kind soul needs to deflate her before she

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-49235091938502334602009-01-14T23:09:00.010-05:002009-01-15T00:43:26.025-05:00

You people have such boring vocabularies, I can't stand it. I am instituting monthly Angry Jess Word Challenges. Okay, maybe not monthly. More like whenever I damn well feel you need it. Which might be daily if I could be bothered to think about it that often. Given the demands upon my time and person, that is unlikely. So we'll try monthlies and see how they flow. Yes, that's a period reference.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-16726027156160568762009-01-11T21:48:00.012-05:002009-03-26T13:54:40.396-04:00

I firmly believe that a girl's best friend is small and vibrates on several settings for your self-pleasuring purposes.AG believes otherwise, and that explains a lot about them. AG created a line of brick-bottomed, magnetic-mouthed 'girl's best friend' pets for dolls. At first it was just an albino terrier named Coconut. It's a little known fact that Coconut had gender reassignment surgery, I

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-15135937318373257982009-01-07T17:06:00.004-05:002009-11-11T08:27:10.883-05:00

Why do pets have to die in the winter when the ground is so damned frozen you couldn't get a backhoe to dig a grave? We put Licorice in the meat freezer to hold until spring. Only I guess the box got shifted around so you couldn't see the "Licorice Remains: Do Not Feed to Godzilla" note I wrote. Or else Jiggy was too drunk to notice. Cause, yeah. No word from Godzilla as to whether Licorice

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-36185537108826303552009-01-01T21:36:00.015-05:002009-11-11T08:27:30.245-05:00

I deeply regret that the information about llamas tasting like chicken has been disseminated on Playthings. If people find out that llamas are such good eats, the price of my llama on rye with a side of slaw is going to go up. I will not be pleased if that happens, and I will come steal your lunch money to make up the difference.It's true, though. Llamas taste like chicken. Might as well admit

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-17640027014263554032008-12-29T20:28:00.001-05:002009-01-24T11:51:01.511-05:00

Hand them over, Chrissa, or I'll cut your bangs. Wait, you don't have bangs? Right, you will when I'm done with you, and in places you didn't know you could grow bangs.WTF, AG, WTF? Knitting needles for CHRISSA? You bastards. I knit. Me. Angry Jess. Not some wussy LE-come-lately who smells of llama and pool chlorine. I'm so pissed. It's time for a Yarn Smackdown. That's right. Be afraid, be very

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-33236336544035288622008-12-25T15:32:00.000-05:002008-12-25T17:17:35.294-05:00

Common Errors in English UsageTake this. Use it well. Ho.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-75576322528685945242008-12-23T17:39:00.001-05:002008-12-24T01:13:29.880-05:00

Yes, it is. All the Playthings mods are on it (especially that one who posts pictures of her dog's butt as festive holiday photos. Something is seriously wrong with her). So yeah, you'd best be careful lest you, too, land on my List. Use spellcheck and your grammar and punctuation guides. Also, you over there? Do NOT send me messages telling me to drink prune juice and cheer up. There's a very

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-39793161575289871042008-12-18T12:25:00.003-05:002010-12-07T00:14:30.840-05:00

Damn, holiday time is busy time. You people who are doing that Clandestine Coconut exchange on Playthings? You’d best get your asses in gear and PM me when you send your gifts, because I don’t want to have to hunt you down. I’ve got better things to do.Well, it’s also that joyous time of year when AG fandom collectively tumesces about a new Girl of the Year doll. Ho-freaking-hum. Another LE doll,

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-51518198601132489262008-11-28T15:31:00.003-05:002010-01-25T16:35:45.491-05:00

So it’s Black Friday, right? My kind of day. I decided to bite the bullet and do some holiday shopping. And me, I shop online. Is there any other way?Now you know I don’t have much patience with the Playthings mods. I do get along with their dolls for the most part, especially the Jess ones. Call it pity if you want, but I figured I’d dole out a few fashionable holiday gifts. So yeah, I bought up

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-80862726285513804062008-11-24T15:39:00.003-05:002009-03-18T01:46:20.547-04:00

"But when is my Spammy-wammy's bedpan going to be sold out?" you say. Or "when is Meeeah's 'cleaning up the ice rink' broom and dustpan' going to be gone?"Shut up. Do I look like fucking Nostradamus to you? Wait, don't answer that. I DON'T KNOW. Stop asking me! Try doing, I dunno, a little research. Like looking up that thread from three days ago when someone asked the exact same question. Or

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-83665473274781304922008-11-22T21:02:00.003-05:002010-12-07T00:01:34.384-05:00

So, yeah, the election is over. My place in American history is secure and I am well on my way to achieving world domination. Yesterday Playthings; today the world; tomorrow, infinity and beyond. But I no sooner come off the election and I’m besieged by my fans. “AJ!” they write, thus risking my wrath at being so familiar. (Which reminds me: don’t risk my wrath by calling me 'a prank.' I’ll

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-62338166204649186572008-11-04T23:48:00.000-05:002008-11-05T00:52:21.539-05:00

Public service announcement:PLEASE STOP USING YOUR CAPSLOCK IN YOUR SUBJECT LINES.It's loud and I'm hungover.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-3920693819554040752008-10-31T19:58:00.001-04:002009-10-26T00:55:15.487-04:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm flattered that many of you were so sensible and entered your Jess dolls into the "scariest" category dressed as me. Just don't think that means I'll cut you a break, or rig the voting for you.But next year, I'm totally doing my own contest. PS: Please distribute that For Dummies book. I know a lot of people who need it.

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-88671745915488108272008-10-24T18:47:00.001-04:002009-11-11T08:25:33.860-05:00

I've been busy. Perhaps you noticed I was not included in the recent presidential debates? Not to worry; AJ wasn't slighted. I've reached an Understanding with the two candidates. They now know the real power behind the office they seek, and will respond accordingly come January 20, 2009. So my work there is done.And, Proboards hacker? I tracked him to an address in San Antonio. Dude lived in the

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-3835958453722466142008-10-09T12:03:00.000-04:002008-10-09T12:34:24.061-04:00

I've enjoyed a little hacking in my day, I'll be the first to admit it. Those days when AG online shopping goes down? Yeah, well, I plead the 5th.But see here. I get majorly PO'd when someone has hacking fun at my expense. Hackers are out there messing up Proboards, which means the AGPlaythings.com Message Forum is affected. (That other big-but-smaller AG message forum is affected too, but I

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-73594218272372032032008-10-06T11:07:00.001-04:002008-10-07T09:28:00.503-04:00

My devoted Playthings readers may recall that I swore never to go back to my previous place of rehab. The woman in the room next to mine, her name was Amy, and she kept sneaking in drugs that made her even more paranoid. She would bang on my door at three in the morning. I don't need that. No one needs that. I kicked her in the shins once but I don't think she noticed the bruise what with the

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-71740461367656151292008-09-19T12:22:00.001-04:002008-11-24T16:20:02.994-05:00

Ye know what I be sick of? "Why won't me dear ol' mum buy me my twen'y-fourth doll? What can I be doin' teh get 'er to buy me a new doll?"Great ghost of Blackbeard 'n crew! Because you already be havin' twenty-three dolls, ye spoilt little deckswabber! If'n ye be wanting a new doll, ye best be savin' up yer own money for th' thing! Did me AGPlaythings cap'ns agree teh be buyin me Carpatina Adam

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-54908936247115697502008-09-19T02:24:00.000-04:002008-12-23T18:46:24.050-05:00

Yarr! 'Tis soon to be th' best damn'd day o' th' year. I've got me weaponry, artillery, 'n rum by me side. Ye ale-guzzling cowardly slop buckets, ye best tuck into ye own rum 'n leave me stash betides, lest I send Jiggy t' keelhaul yer arses. T' pox-infested rotten timbered sons of double Dutchmen mods on Playthings, those salt-crusted sea-sick bilge rats, they done turn'd th' message forum

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-55482746930023391292008-09-14T17:33:00.002-04:002009-04-29T17:31:03.445-04:00

Last week I visited my cousin in Washington.BAD IDEA.I forgot how mad he makes me. >(He's ALWAYS ANGRY and he always has something to say. I can't get a word in edgewise. The entire dinner he ranted about reading intent in documents and how stupid it is or something like that, I don't know. I stopped listening sometime around "blah blah blah Breyer is a moron blah blah de blah constitution

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-81408261559668285952008-09-06T23:22:00.004-04:002010-12-06T23:52:09.481-05:00

Dear AG -I've been holed up at the Playthings offices the last few days trying to deal with my voluminous fan mail. I'm not getting much done. Seems you chose this week to let loose with a volley of new releases. Oh yeah, the phone's been ringing off the hook here and do I ever have some messages for you. 1. First off, Barbie called. She wants her Dream House furniture back. Seriously, don't mess

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-15073744758899335292008-08-29T17:13:00.003-04:002010-12-08T20:59:37.978-05:00

That's right. I don't offer to help anyone much. But today, I am moved. You see, actor David Duchovny announced that he has entered rehab for sexual addiction. Apparently he wore out his poor wife, Teabag Leoni. I want it known that I, Angry Jess, am willing to do my utmost to help poor David through this crisis. Whatever it takes. Jiggy wants to help, too. Whatever, I don't judge. We're going

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-72027733980007582802008-08-23T22:45:00.000-04:002008-09-08T01:14:24.518-04:00

Who mates when they run? Seriously. If you do, there's something wrong with you and I don't want to know about it (but send me pictures anyway on the QT).The Playthings people have been on my ass from day one to pick a running mate. Fools. They don't get it. See, I don't NEED a running mate. I'm a doll, right? I get broken, AG slaps on some new parts and I'm good to go. I can't die; no need for

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-89139304159150396722008-08-16T03:39:00.002-04:002009-03-26T13:57:43.122-04:00

It is almost that time of the year again, the time when AG comes out with the newest in holiday outfits for dolls. So let's take a moment to do some fashion retrospection and look to the future, shall we? Last year's pleasantly pukey looking little number:I mean, really? Let's talk about this Little Miss Muffet outfit. It's a big tuffet! Blech. This wasn't fit for a spider to swoon over. And the

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-74100421564536968922008-08-12T00:18:00.000-04:002008-09-12T16:58:04.865-04:00

I am many things. Sex goddess, leading presidential candidate, poet, advice-giver to the lovelorn, moderator extraordinaire, recovering addict, Nobel Prize Winner, one hell of a good dancer, and now, entrepreneur. Let me explain the latter.You remember that line of eu de skunk, spunk, and stink that AG produced with Bath and Body Works? Well, the whole line is going belly up, just as I always

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2178664897793294510.post-85168056765209109492008-08-07T16:26:00.002-04:002009-03-18T01:43:40.773-04:00

So the Olympics are starting soon. Meh. Most sports bore me to tears, although I do love when the baseball players crash into each other. And when the soccer players crash into each other "accidentally." And when...Well, you get the idea.I am, however, rooting for Nadine Stanton in the shooting contest. I'll also be rooting for hilarious but non-fatal accidents. It would be politically incorrect

Angry Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16569889650801869819noreply@blogger.com0